Being Mama

One of the many things I am, which I have been for more than half my life, is Mum.  I am beyond proud to have this title to Daniel and Casey.  There are not a great amount of things in my life I can truly say I am proud of, but they are one, well... two.

My kids.  My babies (ok, so they are adults now, but that's just to the rest of the world.  To me, they are my babies).  A son and a daughter.  The two people I love the most in this world and who I would literally do anything for.  I am filled with wonder that two humans have so many characteristics and personality traits from each of their genetic backgrounds.  They are individuals with their own unique thoughts, feelings and personalities... yet those traits sneak in and define how those thoughts, feelings and personalities develop.  Offspring are a constant source of education in science.  Nature vs Nurture.  Genetics.  I am well chuffed to have created these two people.  To have been any part of who they now are and their place in this world.  They are caring, funny, intelligent creatures.  They acknowledge their imperfections.  They love and are loved.  They are so different from one another that I used to watch in awe that they both came from my body and were both raised in the same way by the same mother. 

Before I had children, I so wrongly assumed that being a parent meant taking a little person under your wing and teaching them about the world.  They have taught me so much more than I could have imagined possible.  About the world, myself and others.

I love to watch them interact in a way that only siblings can.  To express their opinions and frustrations to and at one another, yell, scream, stomp and declare war... then jump in defense of one another at the slightest hint of a criticism from anyone else.  Their own little 'in jokes' which make no sense to anyone but us.  I feel pure joy when I am fortunate enough to encounter the friends they have made and chosen to be in their lives, to see others care for them and appreciate the traits I love and admire in them.  I feel a secret pride when they each try to make me say "You're my favourite".  Who wouldn't love to be fought over?

I consider them both my friends.  Not in an attempt to be the 'Cool Mum', but in a genuine way that I enjoy their company and conversations with them.  I would choose to spend my time with either or both of them.  Not out of any kind of obligation, but out of desire.  Their company makes me feel content and happy, their hugs are soothing for my body and soul. 

We have been through a lot over the years, together and as individuals.  I don't claim to have been the best parent, but I've been the best one I could manage to be.  When people say you get no instruction manual when you have kids, I don't think you really listen - even now, with so much information at your fingertips I don't think you'll ever feel as incompetent as you do when you are holding your own screaming child with no clue as to how to make it stop.  To see hurt in your child's eyes and not know the right thing to say to help them feel better.

One day they won't have me around anymore.  I wish for this to be in the very distant future.  The thought of not being their Mum anymore is sad beyond words.  I'd like to think that when the time comes, they will be ready for the shift in our family dynamic.  That we will have thousands more memories and stories about times when Mum was a total loser that they can laugh about.  I know they will be ok - my ego isn't that big.  I also take comfort in knowing how caring and supportive they have been for me when I've needed it.  Another parenting surprise.  You expect to be the one giving your children support, comfort and solace.  I don't think anybody prepares you for getting the same in return - tenfold.  I'm pretty sure if I get the chance to haunt them, it will be with music.  They'll know I'm still around them.  Always.