I'm blaming Hollywood, The Movies, TV and fiction books for my ongoing confusion about 'when will I be happy?'. Will I get a 'happy ending'. Maybe if I go for a massage in a very special massage parlour.... no, the OTHER happy ending. When does that happen? How will I know if I don't hear "Don't you forget about me" playing in the background as the credits roll? Movies always end at the beginning. About 90 minutes of kerfuffle.... then everything comes together.. The End. No, no, no, no, NO! That's not how it goes. You can't just have that happy rush of excitement at a new thing, then The End. I don't just mean relationships. Work, a house, car - life.
Then I realised it. It actually hit me. That fricken fracken quote I keep seeing about life being about the journey and not the destination is true. Well, shiver me flippin timbers. Whoda thunkit? My gob is smacked. I've spent all this time thinking that happy had to mean fireworks, surprises, shiny things and excitement every day when in fact, for me - it's being comfortable and content in general, everyday life. I was certain I would feel a bolt from the blue, or see a billboard one morning "This is IT. You are Now Happy". It's not something that I will get to eventually if I do enough stuff in my lifetime. It's now, enjoying what I already have, what I'm doing now. I have a great life. I have to work, so that sucks a bit - I would quite like to be wealthy enough to just enjoy a lifestyle to which I would like to become accustomed, but that's not on the cards right now. In the meantime, I'm fortunate enough to be employed. I earn enough to pay my bills, put food on the table and have a bloody good life. I have friends and family who I love and who love me. Ideally, I would like to see them more often, so it would be nice to not be quite so busy, but when I do, it's comfortable. Comfortable must be my new happy. My man and I are comfortable. We can have conversations. Or not. It's ok because we're comfortable. I can be honest with the people in my life. "How are you today, Son?". 'Bit crap, actually, but that's ok.' "Bugger, anything you need?". 'Yeah, maybe a hug and some cake'. Done. Sorted. Ok, it's not always quite that simple... but you get the idea. Works so much better than "Fine thanks". Then not being fine, stewing on not being fine and wondering why Nobody Gets Me. Fool woman!
What is happiness? I don't know. I can't make the words for anyone else. I still reserve the right to bitch and moan about things, be a grumpy old bag from time to time.... but in general, I am happy. I'm there. I laugh a lot. I enjoy the company of those around me - and even myself. I have enough in my life to be comfortable, to relax in my downtime or to do things if I feel like it. I don't need to keep looking around for what I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to be with. It's all already there. I just need to sit back and soak it up.
Now... what do I want to be when I grow up?
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